Old post i saved and never posted

06/2011

"Sometimes doing something that you know you HAVE to do really hurts. Sometimes you wish there was some way around it, but there is no way. Like with me, today, i had to break off a friendship with my ex boyfriend.. lets call him Elmer (obviously that is a fake name) because of some personal issues. I tried so hard to think of any way that i could just deal with it. But then i thought i could hurt a little bit more everyday of the rest of our friendship, or i could break it off now and hurt a ton for a little while and then move on with my life. I don't regret breaking off my friendship with Elmer. but that doesn't mean that i don't miss him, it doesn't mean that i am not going to have unimaginable hurt going on inside of me. He was the first guy i had ever loved and so it is very hard for me. BUT i had to do it. So i have a couple of feelings inside of me....i feel relieved, like a load has just been lifted from my shoulders, happy, and i also feel sad and hurt."

It is now July of 2012. I don't know what i was thinking when i wrote that. I still hurts with every passing day. Why?? i don't know. It is stupid, but i just can't get over it. I made a mistake that i can never take back. I wish he was still my friend. We used to go to midnight movies spur of the moment. We used to watch really weird movies. We used to drive around aimlessly. We used to go to IKEA just for fun. We used to hang out a lot. he used to give me his famous half smile. We used to just play around. I miss that. I miss his laugh, and his Joker imitations. I miss the dimple on his cheek when he smiles. imiss seeing him wear his fedora. i miss seeing how he loves his little brother. I miss seeing how he loves his whole family. i miss him talking about doing extreme sports. i miss him making me eat things i don't like. i miss his shoes (weird). i miss the mischevious look in his eye when he thinks he has a brilliant idea. I miss how he looks dumb after he wasn't able to do something he thought he could :). I miss him bringing me pepermint ice cream on Valentines day. I miss how his nose runs (again.. weird but so true). i totally miss his notebooks and his black coat. and his love for the rocketeer and peter pan. well... you get the gist of it i think.   I have to get over it.  But how do you get over five years of being close to someone. how do you get over loving someone for five years? you don't! you can't just get over it. It eats at my mind and emotions everyday, even when i don't invite it. I regret breaking the friendship off, and i still miss him. And i am hurting every day anyway so it wouldn't have made a difference. At least i would have still had him in my life. I had to put my feelings out there somewhere. cuz i am going insane keeping it inside.



I will post something positive soon.... i promise!!

Today... life just sucks... and it's all my own doing.

So i feel like a looser who cant get through school. the worst part is that i am not even motivated to do anything. I can't go where i want to go because i can't afford it and i can't quit my job. I am forced to go to a school that i hate with a firey passion. I suck at school. etc. but i guess i will take what i can get and go to a loser school that i hate so very much. I am using that as motivation to get done a fast as possible with my associates so i can get the hell out of there. hard to get done really fast when i have a full time job and everyone else working there are already going to be taking a lot of time off work to go to school themselves. So i get to do lovely night classes... that will make my already non existant social life even more unattainable. I know, i am just complaining. Everything will be okay. I think in my current depressive state i am being more dramatic than i need to be. So let's turn this frown upside down.

I am starting school again after a year break. and then a 2 year break before that school year. I am going to pass all of my classes so i can get out of that hell hole of a school. and i am going to take as many night classes as i can handle (one or two at first and see how it goes form there) I WILL eventually move away from where i am now. And i WILL get to Utah State someday. I will go to different singles ward, even if i have to use a different address to get there. I am not a stupid worthless human being like i have been thinking i was.  okay. so that is it. my thoughts are all over the place tonight. I am not the best writer and not the best blog poster. :P but oh well. until next time.