06/2011
"Sometimes doing something that you know you HAVE to do really hurts. Sometimes you wish there was some way around it, but there is no way. Like with me, today, i had to break off a friendship with my ex boyfriend.. lets call him Elmer (obviously that is a fake name) because of some personal issues. I tried so hard to think of any way that i could just deal with it. But then i thought i could hurt a little bit more everyday of the rest of our friendship, or i could break it off now and hurt a ton for a little while and then move on with my life. I don't regret breaking off my friendship with Elmer. but that doesn't mean that i don't miss him, it doesn't mean that i am not going to have unimaginable hurt going on inside of me. He was the first guy i had ever loved and so it is very hard for me. BUT i had to do it. So i have a couple of feelings inside of me....i feel relieved, like a load has just been lifted from my shoulders, happy, and i also feel sad and hurt."
It is now July of 2012. I don't know what i was thinking when i wrote that. I still hurts with every passing day. Why?? i don't know. It is stupid, but i just can't get over it. I made a mistake that i can never take back. I wish he was still my friend. We used to go to midnight movies spur of the moment. We used to watch really weird movies. We used to drive around aimlessly. We used to go to IKEA just for fun. We used to hang out a lot. he used to give me his famous half smile. We used to just play around. I miss that. I miss his laugh, and his Joker imitations. I miss the dimple on his cheek when he smiles. imiss seeing him wear his fedora. i miss seeing how he loves his little brother. I miss seeing how he loves his whole family. i miss him talking about doing extreme sports. i miss him making me eat things i don't like. i miss his shoes (weird). i miss the mischevious look in his eye when he thinks he has a brilliant idea. I miss how he looks dumb after he wasn't able to do something he thought he could :). I miss him bringing me pepermint ice cream on Valentines day. I miss how his nose runs (again.. weird but so true). i totally miss his notebooks and his black coat. and his love for the rocketeer and peter pan. well... you get the gist of it i think. I have to get over it. But how do you get over five years of being close to someone. how do you get over loving someone for five years? you don't! you can't just get over it. It eats at my mind and emotions everyday, even when i don't invite it. I regret breaking the friendship off, and i still miss him. And i am hurting every day anyway so it wouldn't have made a difference. At least i would have still had him in my life. I had to put my feelings out there somewhere. cuz i am going insane keeping it inside.
I will post something positive soon.... i promise!!
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